Are you of ruddy complexion, barely nourished on a diet of chips, cheese, and gravy and spag bol, and genetically determined to bald prematurely, your body ageing at a rate that skips stops? Is your favourite pastime boxing with friends in the kitchen? Do you sometimes feel unduly amorous towards the old? None of that matters, it’s all distractions merely, but if your football skills can presently be fairly described as none, if you struggle to trap a ball or pass five yards in front of you, then with a good agent, just like Wayne Rooney you might be entitled to £300,000 a week.
Wayne Rooney’s decline isn’t something which has only happened recently, for when it comes to being bad at football he’s well into his third or fourth year. Nor is the sheer extent of his fall all that extraordinary, given that he has been playing regularly in the top flight since the age of sixteen. In normal footballing years Rooney is more like thirty-five or thirty-six than just about to turn thirty-one – quite a feat for someone whose body is closer to fifty.
What is extraordinary is that despite being so bad for so long, the English media only now seem to be grasping the fact. Even then former professionals resolutely defend the man who might go down as England’s last great white hope.
A few years ago, when his ability first started to noticeably wane, pundits began suggesting that his loss of pace and strength made him an ideal candidate for playing behind the striker. But he proved unable to dribble or play a creative pass in the final third. Then it was posited that his best place lay in the centre of the pitch, but as a central midfielder Rooney did little more than wander about lofting ineffective balls to the wing. Now Trevor Sinclair and Danny Murphy have indicated he should go deeper still, into the role of holding midfielder, with the air that such an opinion comes naturally and makes perfect sense. Are English pundits not allowed to say that he’s shot?
Today Wayne Rooney can boast nothing about his game. His control is abysmal, he lacks the pace and the movement to get into the position to score goals, he’s not strong enough to hold up the ball, and his passes and crosses increasingly end up out of play. He has neither the short passing, the tackling, nor the positional discipline to make a success of a role in holding midfield. He simply shuffles about the pitch in everybody’s way. The refusal of successive Manchester United managers to bench him seems ever more sinister. Is he contracted to start, or is he still perceived as too big to drop?
The truth is that from a young age Wayne Rooney was bred by Alex Ferguson to be the heir to Ryan Giggs. The Welsh winger was exciting for a few years in the 1990s, but thereafter other players flourished in free roles, while he offered functional experience but mostly stayed pinned to the referee. Giggsy’s main job was to harangue the official, to whisper threateningly in his ear, and to lead the onslaught whenever a decision dared go against his team. At the onset of his professional old age, Rooney keeps resolutely to his task, but the rest of his game is so poor that this contribution is no longer enough.
As the season drags on no doubt pundits will suggest more functions for this former goal-getter and all-round terrier of English football. Best that he drop ever deeper, and spend his time distributing towels and water behind David de Gea’s net. Or perhaps another effective strike will force one final bumper contract. Whatever, he’ll probably be good enough for the international stage for a few qualifying campaigns to come.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJXmRlxe2JI
