After Michael Gove’s heavy hands disturbed the Queen’s sense of decorum during the EU referendum campaign, as the now-former justice secretary informed one tabloid of her veiled preference for Brexit, The Shimmering Ostrich can explosively reveal that the Queen summoned Gove to Windsor Castle, where in the midst of great anger he was dealt with very roughly indeed.
The lure was a Victorian supper, where Gove appeared in pristine white tie and tails. Assorted politicians and establishment figures were scattered about. And the evening progressed smoothly, until the Queen was heard, with some venom and emotion, telling a persistent Duke of Edinburgh, ‘Philip, I don’t know what I want to eat!’.
The monarch soon settled on boiled potatoes with salmon, but the suppertime spectacle was far from done. Because barely had Gove swallowed his first mouthful when he was rounded on by an irate Queen, who lamented being caught up in the sordid world of party politics.
The Queen after all is supposed to be above politics, but then suddenly she was above Gove, and things took a curious turn as she first swiped at him, then straddled him and yanked at his parts and pounded on his chest, with none of the distant onlookers quite able to tell whether she was busy scolding him or in passionate throes.
Britain’s relationship with Europe is evidently a matter on which our matron cares deeply. Despite German ancestry and speaking competent French, the enticements of Europe appear to be regarded as mere fripperies in comparison with the bonds of the Commonwealth. Finally she was torn away by Prince Philip, whose anti-EU credentials – at least within royal circles, imperfect after generations of inbreeding – are well known.
The jarring contrast between Elizabeth’s reserved public persona and her peevish party antics proved not altogether unpalatable, even strengthening the resolve of some Leave campaigners as the seconds ticked towards the decisive vote. Tory MP Jacob Rees-Mogg delighted in her outing as a Brexiter, explaining ‘The reason we all sing ‘God Save the Queen’ so heartily is because we fear the wider world, and seek secretly to shelter in her majesty’s shrivelled womb’.
