Asserting his free will, denying that the pernicious hand of sponsorship was at play, at the last Mass of his five-day trip to Poland Pope Francis told one million pilgrims near Krakow that he is taking up Pokémon Go, and that they should too lest they become ‘couch potatoes’.
Addressing the young at Saturday’s youth festival, the leader of the worldwide Catholic Church reaffirmed the belief that salvation will be earned not by faith alone, but by faith coinciding with good works. And according to Pope Francis – in a declaration which most theologians believe to be ex cathedra, and therefore infallible – good works now include playing Pokémon Go.
First broaching the migrant crisis and the terrorist threat, Pope Francis said, ‘Today’s world demands that you be a protagonist of history, because life is always beautiful when we choose to live it fully, when we choose to play Pokémon Go’.
‘Some Pokémon seem distant until, in some way, we touch them. We don’t appreciate certain things because we only see them on the screen of a cellphone or a computer, but when we meet a rare Pokémon by virtue of augmented reality out in the wild, our faith grows.’
‘The times we live in do not call for young couch potatoes, but for young people with shoes or, better, boots laced. It only takes players on the first string, and it has no room for bench warmers’, concluded the pontiff, in a final remark widely perceived as a condemnation of Pokémon with low CPs.
The words ‘vegetate’ and ‘drowsy’ were uttered esoterically, apparent references to grass-type Pokémon and the psychic-type Pokémon Drowzee, who with sufficient legwork will eventually evolve into a Hypno. As for the pontiff’s preference, he noted that the three ‘Eeveelutions’ possible for the Pokémon Eeevee make that species his favourite, Flareon, Jolteon, and Vaporeon reminding him in turn of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
The Pope’s specially-designed motor vehicles, informally known as ‘popemobiles’, are reportedly being modified not to surpass ten miles an hour, the speed limit at which Pokémon eggs no longer hatch. Pope Francis is currently incubating three eggs, two of 5 kilometres and one of 10 kilometres, all the while ardently hoping that the spirit will guide him to a Mew.
