Citing a tight budget and the need to buy books, stools, art supplies, and enough ale so that the caretaker does not want over Christmas, a Catholic primary in Worcester has taken the barely precedented step of charging parents £1 to watch their children in the school nativity. And whether it is the cold leaving people at a loose end in front of their computers, or the perception that the school is showing a curmudgeonly lack of festive spirit, news of the £1 charge has certainly stirred life into Facebook.
The Shimmering Ostrich considered reaching out to the affected parents, some of whom have reportedly stormed the school gates before demanding those funds usually reserved for the headteacher’s lunch. Thinking it better to let tensions settle, what follows instead is a recreation of the best of those missives which have already flooded the internet. Take it away, fake parents and other members of the would-be concerned!
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‘At Edgar’s school nativity tickets cost £35 per person. They have done for years and it’s a price I pay gladly. Attendees are served mince pies and varieties of Glogg from across Scandinavia, and in the spring when it’s warmer the money is used to send six pupils on safari someplace in Africa. In this way the traditional fare of a Westernised Christmas serves towards a wider cultural experience, the pastoral flock as if transfiguring into a pack of lions in the Sub-Saharan wild.’
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‘If the school in question had budgeted accordingly there would be simply no need to charge for the nativity. Financial acumen is sorely lacking from top to bottom across today’s schooling system, which is why each primary should train one aspirational pupil in the forgotten art of accounts.’
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‘My concern is that like Mary and Joseph, some parents will consider themselves turned away from an inhospitable inn.’
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‘After splashing out on a new tea towel for my son the shepherd this extra charge is really pushing it.’
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‘Times are tight, and when I heard about the charge I knew it was my responsibility as a parent to sit down and explain it all to my children. I told them that instead of Christmas presents this year, Mummy would be supporting their school and watching them in the nativity, and they’re happy with that, because they understand all about civic duty. They’ll still get a stocking each, with a repurposed ‘gift’ plus a clementine.’
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‘Schools charge for this and then what next? Will we be expected to stump up for other annual displays and one-off services, like Easter rabbits and sports days, checking for head lice and the jab against measles?’
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‘I saw one Dad – I won’t say who – buy a kebab from the man in the booth on the corner of Whopping Street in town on Friday night. He was dead drunk and dropped it and lost all of his dressing, so he only turned round and bought himself another! And parents have the cheek to complain about a pound for their kid’s nativity!’
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‘There would have been no fuss and nothing the matter if the school had merely hung a donation bucket over the head of the ass upon exit. The donations received might have surpassed the money raised otherwise, and could have gone on school supplies or helping the homeless.’
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‘When I was young my parents used to give me tuppence ha’penny for a tuck mix and I don’t really see the difference?’
