Legal highs are like sex without violence: alright for afternoon tea with Grandma, but no good when you’re in dire need of a real fix. The problem with illegal drugs has traditionally been their uncertainty: not always easy to find, and even when you think you’ve stumbled upon the right supplier, it remains difficult to ascertain what lies therein.
Just like sex which involves choking, when does too much become too much? If drugs are too concentrated, the effects can be devastating, and on the other hand if they’re too diluted, you’re just left feeling groggy, soggy, and wet. Unsatisfied would be another word for it, or agitated, or upset. But as the venerable Forest Gump says – a surprisingly dominant lover – with drugs just like chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.
It’s an issue of purity, and in the case of many illegal drugs, too little rather than too much. Sure in recent years the purity levels of cocaine, ecstasy, and heroin have all been on the up and up. But they’re still highly variable, and there is still too much caffeine and ephedrine being passed off under the guise of amphetamine, or too many ecstasy pills being sold without any MDMA.
That’s why in an attempt to put a stop to legal highs and their associated consequences, such as tragic deaths and slightly more stimulating sex, while simultaneously shoring up the illicit drug market, the government have unveiled the new role of National Bondage Champion, as they seek to combine a regulatory firm hand with a crowd-pleasing light touch.
The National Bondage Champion will aim to ensure that sexual activity retains a frisson of excitement, without the need for so-called legal highs and regardless of the speculative nature of black market drugs. The role will be of a dual nature, prescribing so to speak the carrot and the stick, with a whip held tightly in the one hand, while the other comforts and caresses and holds users close to ward against any withdrawal symptoms.
