Aries (20 March – 19 April)
The conjunction of Mercury with Uranus seems to bear ramifications for your weekly grocery shop.
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Taurus (19 April – 20 May)
Last month you didn’t even know about curlicues, but this month with a pen in your hand curlicues keep cropping up.
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Gemini (20 May – 20 June)
All your relationships are like Fabergé eggs: splendid on the outside, but inside, no yolk.
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Cancer (20 June – 22 July)
Take up residence at a farmers’ market to learn all about produce and feel one with the soil. For the sake of your fingertips, also take wet wipes.
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Leo (22 July – 22 August)
Your financial predicament and lack of social life seem to compel you to take action, but something about the rotation of the planets hurriedly cries out ‘Don’t!’.
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Virgo (22 August – 22 September)
You keep telling yourself ‘That’s life!’ for solace, but the entirety of your existence cannot amount to an ageing gentleman slickly crooning inside your ear.
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Libra (22 September – 22 October)
After so long, thank God, you’ve finally made it! Put this horoscope aside: you have more than enough laurels on which to rest.
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Scorpio (22 October – 21 November)
And could it be love, coming in over the horizon? Surely more than the spring wind has contributed to the dampness of your cheek.
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Sagittarius (21 November – 21 December)
You long for bell chimes, fragrant spices, a husky warbler calling each morning members of the faithful to prayer – not this, the sound of your damn neighbour, who insists at the crack of dawn on having someone deliver semi-stale milk.
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Capricorn (21 December – 19 January)
Horatio lulls you, a swarthy gentleman, he would entice you, but you must ask – which?
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Aquarius (19 January – 19 February)
Stop being so impulsive, your stars would say – but just look, you’ve already gone and done it.
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Pisces (19 February – 20 March)
Your fruitiest plans are all coming to fruition this month.
