Aries (20 March – 19 April)
More and more every day your partner is acting like an infant, and you wish to practise the art of swaddling, only wrapping up extra tight.
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Taurus (19 April – 20 May)
Mmm, Belgian pralines, île flottante, how utterly delicious, those macarons might be sheer divinity, but you’re at a time in your life where you prefer peanut brittle.
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Gemini (20 May – 20 June)
You’ve been planning it for months, the money’s gone – there’s no getting that back – and with sandy beaches and sunset vistas, it was supposed to be the holiday of your dreams. But unfortunately for you Venus conjunct Uranus, and the stars are crying out better call the whole thing off.
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Cancer (20 June – 22 July)
Your love life as always stutters and spurts until the end of the month when it screeches to a halt.
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Leo (22 July – 22 August)
The full moon has you teasing, tee-hee-hee-hee-hee.
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Virgo (22 August – 22 September)
You would excel being the centre of everybody’s attention, your vivacious personality would be a bounty of joy for the human race, but instead you sit squalidly in the centre of your living room, and the only thing expressing joy is your overstuffed face.
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Libra (22 September – 22 October)
For months your natal chart has been telling you: take up a creative pastime, advice you’ve dabbled with but mostly ignored. Thankfully this month your natal chart is telling you to take up a destructive pastime, so go scribble on somebody’s artwork or take a rolling pin roughly to another’s well-risen bread dough.
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Scorpio (22 October – 21 November)
Compliment others and you’ll be surprised at the rewards, like when an overzealous male thrusts rudely at your hips.
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Sagittarius (21 November – 21 December)
It’s not the time now to make any life-altering decisions, so resign yourself gladly to the same old, same old.
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Capricorn (21 December – 19 January)
In your dreams the Sea of Marmara keeps bellowing out your former name.
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Aquarius (19 January – 19 February)
Oh, mid-month has a pleasant surprise in store, and to keep it intact I can’t say what.
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Pisces (19 February – 20 March)
You’ve left your wallet in the spin cycle, and can only watch forlornly as your finances spiral out of all control.
