Aries (20 March – 19 April)
Mars is opposing Pluto, and shit is about to go down. And so it does, and as is the way among the planets, another planetary aspect occurs and you find your sweet release.
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Taurus (19 April – 20 May)
The second Monday might be okay, but the third Thursday of the present month keeps accruing bad omens, portending illness or deceit.
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Gemini (20 May – 20 June)
Thus sing the birds, sweet are the fragrances and hallowed the hallway that leads into your kitchen, you have baked a fruit pie, and animal impulses are more desirous with every scent.
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Cancer (20 June – 22 July)
A mishap at the barbershop will leave you wondering: what astral alignment forebodes such a misshapen head of hair?
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Leo (22 July – 22 August)
You would like to settle down, but you just can’t seem to get comfortable. Perhaps metaphorically you might wash your lice-ridden sheets?
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Virgo (22 August – 22 September)
Your creative juices just can’t stop flowing: it seems that you conjure creativity just like saliva in your mouth.
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Libra (22 September – 22 October)
A man KEEPS SHOUTING AT YOU and then oh God! right now he’s hugging you AND THEN HE IS REALLY SHOUTING AT YOU and you just want your own space.
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Scorpio (22 October – 21 November)
Something hard to specify with regard to the planet Venus has your left eyelid constantly drooping and a general dissatisfaction when it comes to your face.
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Sagittarius (21 November – 21 December)
Make sure to take the time to make snide comments about your friends.
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Capricorn (21 December – 19 January)
Sun square Jupiter and you with your ill-gotten gains.
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Aquarius (19 January – 19 February)
A family member you didn’t even know existed arrives on your doorstep to lend much-needed support. Finally something to prop up that collapsed shelving unit!
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Pisces (19 February – 20 March)
Suggesting anything to you is like playing a game of Jenga: the slightest of disturbances to your complacent sense of equilibrium, and it feels like the whole construct is ready to break.
