Aries (20 March – 19 April)
You’ve always considered yourself a touchy-feely kind of person, but this month when a damp hand finds your nether region you may wonder to yourself, was this really our anniversary?
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Taurus (19 April – 20 May)
Stressful times call for modes of release, but squirting the cream canister so firmly makes the end all clogged up.
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Gemini (20 May – 20 June)
Uttering mantras darkly into the night, the soft music moves you, the lycra is forgiving.
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Cancer (20 June – 22 July)
Quesadillas for breakfast? Filled with spices tasty for you? But remember: these foodstuffs are packed full of wheat.
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Leo (22 July – 22 August)
Solace comes from an unlikely source but your neighbour never seems to be home and you find yourself surreptitiously enjoying his tabby cat.
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Virgo (22 August – 22 September)
He has blue eyes, yours seem maroon, it could be sleep apnoea, or the cornea thumped.
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Libra (22 September – 22 October)
Pick up a hobby, something creative. Stop calculating your time and find a task that will require hand moisturiser later.
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Scorpio (22 October – 21 November)
Take comfort in the good times enjoyed by those close to you: yours are just around the corner, but unfortunately there is building work.
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Sagittarius (21 November – 21 December)
Someone you once liked might still long for you, may still lust for you, but let the embers burn out baby because the logs are all wet.
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Capricorn (21 December – 19 January)
‘Oh no!’, you think, ‘It has happened again!’, as it happens again. Could you have done something to prevent it? Sure! But you didn’t and if you think you know the consequences then your vanity seems the best bet.
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Aquarius (19 January – 19 February)
Do the hula, do the tango, do the foxtrot, dance just however you like, it is the time for you to be dancing.
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Pisces (19 February – 20 March)
At work it often feels like it’s you who is having to quicken the tempo, but this month you are the quickening tempo as you hurtle through the office on a firmly pushed desk chair!
