Aries (20 March – 19 April)
After the dismays and disappointments of 2016, the first weeks of 2017 have seen your love life finally hotting up. But your home is another thing which appears to be burning, and as your newfound partner scrambles out of the bedroom window without underwear, will the cool exterior serve to fan the flames or only pour cold water on your fledgeling romance?
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Taurus (19 April – 20 May)
It seems like the working you just can’t catch a break. Waddle into the office with your head stuffed firmly between your legs in an attempt to find a fresh perspective.
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Gemini (20 May – 20 June)
Lord Almighty! You don’t know whether it’s your new exercise regimen, or the hot sauce you added to your bowl of noodle soup, but all of a sudden you feel your temperature rising.
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Cancer (20 June – 22 July)
A memorable occasion calls for indelible body ink. Spend a weekend surveying your favourite anime characters, or cover up old marks or freckles in the manner of a palimpsest.
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Leo (22 July – 22 August)
Pondering the extremities of your form, an untoward fold means you’ve been buying the wrong sized socks.
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Virgo (22 August – 22 September)
The spectacular occurrence of an astral alignment means that this, years in the making, is finally your month. If only you hadn’t received that paper cut in the bend of your pinky finger.
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Libra (22 September – 22 October)
It feels like this month you will run into strife with one of the assorted government agencies operating within your prefecture.
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Scorpio (22 October – 21 November)
That ylang-ylang bath bomb which you splurged on serves to indicate your fortunes: meant to fizz out gracefully into a tender lilac, instead it slops about before turning a murky blue-green.
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Sagittarius (21 November – 21 December)
Look up into the night sky, and never lose sight of that star which appears to be calling to you, and gesturing at you, and mysteriously pulling you in while ineffably lighting your path. Better bring camping equipment.
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Capricorn (21 December – 19 January)
What is that? Stop it – it tickles! Yet could it be the muse, tapping lightly upon your shoulder?
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Aquarius (19 January – 19 February)
You feel as if swallowed up by your troubles, thrashing helplessly in the deepest of waters, but lift your head just a little and you’ll surface pliant and glistening, like a nubile actress up from a pristine lagoon.
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Pisces (19 February – 20 March)
If it really is done, then you had better move on.
