Aries (20 March – 19 April)
A discovered penny marginally improves your finances.
* * *
Taurus (19 April – 20 May)
Blah, blah, blah, something about Mercury is making you awful verbose.
***
Gemini (20 May – 20 June)
Too much sugar is filling your dreams full of marshmallows, where you bounce and tumble about and get very little done.
* * *
Cancer (20 June – 22 July)
Is this new path the right path or is it only off the beaten path, does the grass just look greener on the other side, is a daily walk in a dewy garden going to cure your somnambulism, is your latest batch of medication going to stem the watery tide?
* * *
Leo (22 July – 22 August)
As the stresses of work pile up all around you, friends show their worth as pillars of support. But now they keep going on and they are beginning to tire you, and you have to start to wonder, ‘Maybe I should move?’.
* * *
Virgo (22 August – 22 September)
You are beginning to intuit like an Inuit, which is to say that it’s April, and you have grown accustomed to the cold.
* * *
Libra (22 September – 22 October)
Luscious lips like lovely lip balm: let the alliteration of ‘l’ sounds mentally prepare you for a big date.
* * *
Scorpio (22 October – 21 November)
The Sun opposite Jupiter makes your extremities crudely show.
* * *
Sagittarius (21 November – 21 December)
Get excited: this week you will face some life-altering decisions. But why is it that your life-altering decisions always seem to revolve around the fridge?
* * *
Capricorn (21 December – 19 January)
Foreign travel can be exhilarating, but a trinket shop just opened up around the corner.
* * *
Aquarius (19 January – 19 February)
It’s as though a lover you once jilted keeps on tugging your behind.
* * *
Pisces (19 February – 20 March)
Your life is like a soggy jigsaw puzzle, of the sort The Rolling Stones in their song kept earnestly trying to prevent.
