Summer is supposed to be a time of high spirits, of ice cream and sandy beaches, of mood-boosting serotonin and bone-benefitting vitamin D. And yet some spend months dreading the coming of the sunny season, because social customs in the West indicate that the hotter it gets, the less clothes we should use to cover our modest areas. Inevitably this leads to one conclusion: the wearing of shorts.
But what if your thighs are all bulky, if you have knobbly knees, or if your bottle of spray tan only lasted to above your nether region? What if shorts don’t show you at your best? The options may seem limited, but don’t fret, because you still might be able to enjoy the free-flowing, air-circulating, extremity-dangling delight of a pair of shorts without succumbing to sheer disgrace in the eyes of your peers. And yes, that does mean that for you, white lace shorts are probably out of the question.
The first rule with shorts is that there are plenty of rules, including a firm ‘no’ to shorts that extend to a length of around three-quarters. Short means short, and a proper pair of shorts should fall somewhere between the mid thigh and just above the joint of the knee. If you don’t like your knees, tough luck, but it’s probably nothing that couldn’t be hidden by a little contouring. The further up the thigh you go the more incendiary the outfit, but as always if you’ve got it feel free to flaunt it notwithstanding the odd stray pubic hair.
So now you have the length down, what about fabric and fit? Ripped denim is in, stained behinds are always out, so beware of roughly woven fabrics from linen to hessian in lighter shades. Even a brief dalliance with a patch of grass can come out a putrid green or urinous yellow. Cotton is always a solid all-rounder. And why not go that extra step by cuffing or rolling the hem? There’s nothing nicer than a nipped short with a bulging thigh muscle roundly protruding.
If you’re not opting for denim in black or blue, pastel colours are nice and summery, reminiscent of bleached hair, Instagram feeds, and the dancing girls of Edgar Degas. Or even try a Breton stripe for a look that says casual continental. Pleats have made a comeback in recent years, especially among women, but whatever the gender they must be short to be chic, and best suit a well-toned leg muscle. It’s even a thing to wear shorts that seem like skirts until the probing eye spots a shred of crotch-covering fabric. Belts go, but only when you’re all tucked in. Finally slits up the sides will make you appear sporty yet sleek.
