Let’s face it, amid all the brouhaha surrounding Jeremy Corbyn vs. Virgin Trains, you don’t need to think that the Labour leader lied outright or took advantage of the situation to feel your gorge rising in sheer contempt for the man. You already probably didn’t like him, and whether he passed over available seating or scurried at the sight of reserved tickets and unmarked bags, all this fussing seems to miss the salient point.
Which is that Corbyn – who has the audacity to attempt to lead a political party while wearing lightly coloured and occasionally ill-fitting suits – for one reason or another opted to sit on the floor of a busy passenger train, quite of his own volition. These floors are fitted with ugly carpets and they are covered in filth. They might be suitable for the behinds of dogs or young children, but not for the rear of any respectable adult.
The British political class and the British public have shown support in the past for many things, despots and warmongers, paedophiles, pilferers, the self-entitlements of the ostensibly austere right-wing. But they’ll never be taken in by a radical lefty, and why should they do anything but sniff at a dirty scruff? David Cameron and Theresa May wouldn’t squat in the muck, and neither would prim Margaret Thatcher, nor Winston Churchill, elegantly rotund.
So instead of soiling himself in the footsteps of thousands of grimy commuters, what measures could Corbyn have taken to ensure for himself a seat and the last modicum of our barely existent respect? If there were no chairs to be had, what alternatives would have allowed him to appear mostly upright? Could Corbyn have saved himself from the mire, and from all the discarded sweet wrappers and spilled beer?
These are the places Jeremy Corbyn ought to have sat. Do likewise if you’re a dignified person and ever happen to find yourself in a similar predicament.
The Fatboy Lamzac
Straight from the Netherlands, the Lamzac is a comfortable sofa for two that fills with air in seconds thanks to a simple swipe of the wrist. It deflates and stores easily, turning any public setting into a stylish place to sit.
A Bicycle Or Upturned Suitcase
Pull down a bicycle from one of the reserved hangers and sit on the seat, pedals, or pegs, or place your posterior on an upturned suitcase somewhere in the aisle or vestibule. Part of living in the ‘big society’ – if the concept still exists – involves using other people’s stuff if it makes you feel more comfortable.
A Pram, Pushchair, Or Buggy
In a similar vein why not hitch a ride on board a baby carrier, and complete two tasks in one motion: a sensible sitting place, and every politician’s favourite photo opportunity. Pucker up!
A Camping Stool
With a folding tripod, shoulder strap, and canvas bum covering, the camping stool is good for more than sausages and marshmallows on a soggy day. It folds out for instance to give you a moderate seat in the middle of an otherwise ram-packed train.
The Toilet
If you’ve nothing to hand or there’s simply no room, do the decent thing and hog the toilet until the train’s wheels – and not just your bowel movements – come to a gentle stop. It might not look or smell pretty, but at least you won’t be doing yourself the indignity of squaloring on the floor in plain view.
