Anyone who has read up on the history of World War I knows one thing first and foremost: life in the trenches carried with it an awful smell. But does that mean that we should defecate while wearing the poppy, and if we must are we to hold our nose?
Did our war heroes die so as to secure us the freedom by which we can defecate wearing precisely what we wish? Did they make the ultimate sacrifice so that we might take the squalid seat dressed anyhow, without having to remove items by rote? Is it an act of respect to persevere with the poppy? Or were their last gasps made with a sense of longing, in the hope that the sort of decorum which prevailed before the war would recommence?
What of those – for though rarely touched on, in the history of warfare there were surely a few – who soiled themselves before ever taking the battlefield, and heard the rapid fire gunshots while acquiring new briefs? Or those who were forced to say their hasty goodbyes with their trousers wrapped firmly round their puttees and boots?
These are the sort of ethical questions which fall by the wayside when we dwell on lesser concerns. Do we need a British Bill of Poppy Rights, not to protect ourselves but the proper uses and circumstances of the poppy? After eyeballing television presenters and analysing whether political leaders merely bow or duly scrape, the latest trifle concerns the national football team, who demand poppies on their armbands if not their shirts.
Perhaps we should tattoo the red poppy to their foreheads – but who cares about a bunch of prima donna show and tell, and what does it matter how those crooks at FIFA would have us think? Never has the old adage about soldiers and footballers’ wages seemed more apt, because try as they might, it remains that today’s superstars have nothing in common with the average mindful Brit.
Let us peer through the muck to remember the poppy always on its own merits, whether we fold or bend over, stand upright or squat. To defecate in a field would be true desecration, for the sake of poetic resonance and because we should never forget what it means to be civilised. If you do stick at stool with the poppy, a donation bowl upon the cistern might be apt. And remember to tend to any urgent plumbing.
