Among the many credentials which ought to have prevented Sam Allardyce ever being considered for the position of England manager – his lack of European experience, a poor top-flight win-loss record, a contentious relationship with prior club fans, the very fact that he is English – one of the biggest cited concerns has been his tendency to adopt a pragmatic and phlegmatic long-ball approach to drawing games of football.
But The Shimmering Ostrich can exclusively reveal that as England manager, Allardyce has vowed to relegate long-ball firmly to the bench. The tactic could even be omitted entirely from future England squads, as it finds itself caught up in off-the-pitch wrangling with Allardyce and his preferred agent.
Those wishing to be selected for international duty from now on must first negotiate with Mark Curtis. Allardyce’s loyal and longstanding agent, Curtis is a real football man and a true patriot, with the St. George’s Cross rolled up and shoved pulsating through veins which bleed the beautiful game and bear only traces of money.
After refusing to sign up with Curtis, long-ball has been placed on Allardyce’s provisional blacklist. It seems like an especially sorry end for a tactic which has long been a favourite of English football managers. Allardyce might like a cherry on top when it comes to his dealings with players, but no longer will his sides feature long balls atop the heads of isolated centre forwards.
