Everybody knows that cats like to knead and nuzzle, but the perpetual internet furore over their purported cuteness has often masked an uncomfortable truth: as a HuffPo article once dared to mention, ‘Cats Love Boobs And Here’s Proof’.
Bobcats are twice as large as their domesticated cousins, and boy are they rough! With their pointed, black-tipped ears and ruffs of hair on either side of their face, they look as fierce as they do unkempt, and when you add their penchant for feasting on hares and bunny rabbits, the bobcat begins to seem like an especially unfriendly feline, a coarse and unbecoming beast
But bobcats are cats all the same, and when they’re not hunting or marking their territory via hot urinous streams, just like other cats they are fond of the ample human bosom. Yet in the Rocky Mountains, one of their favoured habitats, winter temperatures drop as low as -54 degrees. That’s pretty damn cold, and the combination of overzealous bobcats with hard frozen nipples often ends up in a bloody mess.
When the temperatures do reach such extremes in the Rockies, the moisture in the air freezes to form tiny crystals colloquially known as ‘diamond dust’. Diamonds of course are every girl’s best friend, but even the lure of these precious crystals isn’t enough to make women perky and plenteous around the ravenous bobcat.
That’s why the bobcat, one of the few predators who remains active in winter, bounds from boulder to boulder in an attempt to catch prey hidden beneath the snow. The movement is quite superfluous, for the agile bobcat – who hunts by listening for the faintest of scuffling – can trample the white stuff with nary a sound. Instead the bobcat leaps upon boulders to fulfil an ideational pleasure, imagining that he is burying his face into cleavage every time he pounces upon one of those big round stones.
It is unclear how bobcats acquired a taste for the human mammary. Some scientists have posited the existence of an indigenous woman, separated from her tribe, with a posterior the bobcats took to lusting after, as she walked away having spoiled them with treats. Just as it occurred through the course of human evolution, the bobcat preference for a shapely buttock in time became love for a proportionate breast.
The hypothesis however remains unconfirmed. When it comes to bobcats, boobs, and wintery boulders, we can only gaze with wonder at the passions and perversions of the animal kingdom, and ponder still upon the unfathomable mysteries which cover the vast extent of our planet earth.
