Abs, much like numbers, are there to be crunched. And the reference to numbers is especially fortuitous in this case, because there are those who would argue that getting abs is all about counting calories, and that only after we’ve added the protein and minused the fat should we start worrying about sit-ups and press-ups, mountain climbers and Russian twists, vigorous hip thrusts, imaginary bicycles, white winter chair lifts, and Scandinavian timber planks.
They’re wrong of course, working for a wage in the name of Big Fitness, seeking to advance what is otherwise known as the Massive-Belly-Explosible Complex. Don’t pay for their strange contraptions, horrid nutritional supplements, and perverse all-too-personal personal training techniques.
Because all you need for your six pack to show is a good night’s sleep and some stretches. You simply stretch while you sleep, contorting the abdominal muscles via a series of postures which afford a sound slumber and cut right to the core of your fat. For those not currently in possession of a lover or an air conditioner, no need to worry, because with these stretches you won’t need to sweat.
The Reverse Crucifix
Jesus suffered on the cross for your sins, so who are you to refuse a little stretching for the sake of some abs? No nails required, just hang backwards off the bottom of your bed with your arms outstretched. Let thy crown of thorns adorn thee, fellow fitness martyr!
The Thinker
Auguste Rodin liked a thinker, but not as much as he liked bulging back muscles and a taut abdomen. Adopt a contemplative air and topple back widthwise across your bed, making sure to keep the legs tucked and the right hand pressed firmly against the chin.
The Down Dog
‘Come into downward facing dog. Sink down deep beneath your shoulder blades, let your tailbone reach towards the sky as your heels press into the earth’, so says the yoga instructor, the same message many times each and every week. But when you go into down dog at bed time, stay there. Prop a pillow under your palms or beneath your forehead, control your breathing, and allow your conscious mind to drift slowly off to sleep.
The Face-First Spread Eagle
Push your face into the bed sheets and spread everything right out, as far as your body and the size of your mattress will allow. Rope or muscle relaxer, take whatever you need in order to get a good stretch. This one is especially good for the old obliques.
The Mariinsky Squat
Here modelled by world famous ballet dancer Diana Vishneva, The Mariinsky Squat is a little like The Spread Eagle only right side up. However by bending at the knees and flexing the wrists, you target the lower abdomen rather than the obliques, perfect for springing about the stage or for looking good when you take your shirt off by the beach.
