So you’ve finally got round to getting one of those phones with a little circle on the back. Welcome to the twenty-first century you utter dullard – and in case you haven’t quite got it yet, it’s called a camera you jerk!
Can’t find the camera app on your phone? Don’t even know what an ‘app’ is yet? You’re probably not going to be able to muster the mental resources to download Instagram, so give up trying to be cool and get the hell outta this post!
If you’ve made it as far as the Instagram app and picked yourself an awesome username (underscores aren’t ideal but who’s counting), you’re going to want to start making the world like you by showing them your wicked pics. But there are a few things to do and also some things not to do if you want to make the best of your Insta-experience.
Okay so you’re about to take your photograph, you’ve paid attention to the basics of composition, the rule of thirds, your viewfinder is not too cluttered, and the lens has more than sufficient light. You’re probably using your newfangled phone camera, or perhaps you’re using a DSLR or compact, but either way you’ve steadied your nerves, becalmed your shaking hands, and dried your sweating palms on the bottom of your T-shirt. It’s done, you have your shot. Now start to edit the fuck out of it!
Use a filter. Instagram’s own brand are fair enough, VSCO is still pretty trendy, but one of the most important things is to emphasise the grey-blues and cool-browns in your image, to give a suitably moody sort of look. Nobody likes bold reds or vivid yellows: they hurt our eyes, don’t you know?
If you possess an aesthetic then please add a border, but make it white and only white! If your photo is of the sky around nighttime, remember: one star equals one like! If your sky is not absolutely littered with stars, dripping with an impossible abundance of these gleaming spheres of plasma, then use an editor like Paint to add some.
If it is daytime and you are at the beach or some place, maybe put an object in your hand and hold it up? Make sure to cut the hand off, so to speak, at a suitable point. You want the right balance between hand, object, and the surrounding space, which might look best blurred.
Alternatively you may be doing nothing at home. But don’t fret! Grab an assortment of like-minded stuff – paper goods, fruits or vegetables – and begin the process of composition. You’re going to be doing a flat lay, and that doesn’t mean just lying there while your partner huffs and puffs on top! Arrange your things nicely and clamber onto the kitchen counter before taking a photograph pointed directly down.
Once your photo is all done and dusted, it needs likes. Put in some hashtags like #snazzypic, #pantydownfriday, and #urghjustdidi, but not too many, because desperation sucks. Then follow as many fellow ‘Grammers as you like, but make sure to do a clearout every few days of those who haven’t followed you back. Or you can just set aside a few hours and follow then unfollow people repeatedly until they show you some damn respect.
Happy Instagramming!
