It was all there: golden showers, which the uncouth simply call ‘pissing’, spanking, whipping, poo-poo porn, sexual acts partaken in public, the insertion of enough fingers to amount to a fist, one woman quite clearly menstruating, and stranger still a male in pantyhose with a stiletto in his mouth, vigorously nibbling the heel while he lay masturbating. Worse than all of this though – one clip showed a woman so mightily excited that she shook and quivered and reached orgasm.
These were the materials accessed by the computer of the Mays, a middle-aged couple who live on inner London’s Downing Street. And they were charged for the privilege and quite right they were too – only they’re adamant it wasn’t them who accessed it.
The charge for pay-per-view porn, which reached into the thousands of pounds, was spotted on the Mays’ monthly credit card statement. There next to dozens of Russell & Bromley shoes were sexual perversions most graphically itemised. But the Mays say that all of this porn – streamed into the comfort of their home – wasn’t ordered by them and shouldn’t cost them a penny. After all, said Theresa, the more assertive of the two, they are on a rather tight budget.
A senior spokesperson for the broadband company Sky UK, speaking personally on behalf of Rupert Murdoch, assured ‘These films were unquestionably watched by someone in the May home’. But if it wasn’t the Mays then who was it? Unfortunately the couple were not able to have children. But conjuring a child and thinking of porn, they explained at great length how porn would defile it.
Blue movies simply aren’t their bag, Theresa vigorously protested. And amid the rubbing and squeaking of her taut leather pants, she said that Sky could take the matter right through the courts if they wished, but as for their verdict she’d remain quite disinterested. In fact, she went on, as the daughter of a vicar, straining hard so as not to repeat herself, she has now and ever nothing but contempt for those in porn, finding sexual intercourse quite putrid.
Fortunately such problems will soon be a thing of the past. According to the government – for whom Theresa purportedly works – porn will soon require a specialised credit card. Applied for through the banks, it must bear your image and name and your age and a full list of your filthiest inclinations. And transactions will be stored for much longer than a year, but at least the banks will offer low interest.
