After masterminding Sunderland’s 2-2 draw at home to second-in-the-table Liverpool – a result which left the Black Cats seventeenth and still loitering with intent inside the relegation zone – manager David Moyes felt himself more than deserving of a little praise.
Frolicking in the land of make believe, the usually despondent Scot said ‘I feel we weren’t too defensive today […] the players raised the supporters by the way they got up to Liverpool, how they put them under pressure, how they pressed them. Maybe if I was a German manager you’d have praised that. If I was German you’d be saying “this is great, you’re doing something different”‘.
Never mind that Sunderland’s two goals came via two penalties, scored by their sole attacking threat Jermain Defoe, or that Liverpool had 71% of the possession and three times as many shots on target. David Moyes knew that his side had done just enough for him to take this rare occasion to be boastfully proud.
But what if David Moyes actually was German? He certainly wouldn’t have been given the Manchester United job, a decision Alex Ferguson made according to his autobiography because Scots possess ‘a strong will. When they leave Scotland it tends to be for one reason only: to be successful’. Sound reasoning, but since leaving the comfort of Everton Moyes has learnt well how to fail.
So let us imagine ourselves up on Wearside, with the same performances, the same results, the same self-defeating comments, expressions, and gestures, the same weather, the same politics, the same atmosphere, only a German instead of a Scot. And what is the chant which begins emanating from one corner of the Stadium of Light?
‘You’re just a shit Adolf Hitler’, go the agitated cries. Only that to some spectators seems a little much. So taking a milder tone the scampish Mackems reformulate one from their songbook, and in unison advise the ‘Sad Kraut bastard’ inhabiting their dugout to ‘Cheer up’.
Amid such open dissent from the supporters, the tabloids have a field day, suggesting that the man with the funny accent simply can’t cut it in the Premier League. On Sky Sports, Paul Merson suggests that he can’t possibly understand English football. On the BBC – after a dissection of Sunderland’s defensive lapses – Ian Wright asks ‘What have foreigners ever done for us?’. In the rush for a local hero who might condemn the usurper, journalists have to scramble after being turned down by Don Hutchison and Michael Gray.
Across the city of Sunderland the disgruntled football-mad populace hope and pray for a swifter Brexit. Lingering concerns around Nissan have caused a fair amount of flip-flopping over the issue, but the abject performance of the German manager has finally resolved all doubts. Not to worry – he will be sacked in the morning, scampering north to Newcastle airport before heading back whence he came.
