Aries (20 March – 19 April)
New year, new you. Excommunicate your family and set aside old friends, because isn’t it about time you had some fun?
* * *
Taurus (19 April – 20 May)
What the devil is up with your pallid complexion? Can a vitamin deficiency owe anything to the pattern of the stars?
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Gemini (20 May – 20 June)
Work feels like the same old, same old. But then a mysterious parcel arrives and opening it brings you merriment.
* * *
Cancer (20 June – 22 July)
The end of the Mercury retrograde – much like the rest of the Mercury retrograde – will leave you feeling all stuffed up. But it’s no time yet for spring cleaning, so do what you can to lighten your load by polishing lightly the oven top.
* * *
Leo (22 July – 22 August)
What good is it logging onto Facebook? All adverts for beauty creams and dental treatments, and what’s this peculiar combination: a man with no shirt on appears to have onions and fried chicken smeared down his chest.
* * *
Virgo (22 August – 22 September)
Prowl – you’re a panther. Lunge like a leopard. In the deep heat of the jungle you’re tranquil yet stately with all the unfurled energy of a trim lioness. You inhabit the dancefloor, and all its warm-bodied creatures merely thrust so to linger within reach of your grasp.
* * *
Libra (22 September – 22 October)
How about trying the colour yellow?
* * *
Scorpio (22 October – 21 November)
A lunar quaver indicates it’s time you took up feng shui.
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Sagittarius (21 November – 21 December)
Protect against an untoward occurrence via a selection of sugar-free fruit juices.
* * *
Capricorn (21 December – 19 January)
Wouldn’t you just know it? The new year comes and your reading comprehension goes utterly to pot!
* * *
Aquarius (19 January – 19 February)
Something has entered Venus: you communicate with the NASA scientists, but they stubbornly refuse to tell you what. You feel left in limbo as a once promising January diminishes before your eyes. It is going to be an uncertain month.
* * *
Pisces (19 February – 20 March)
New year, new you. But after all the exertions of the holiday season, isn’t it about time for some rest?
