Citing a paid survey probably filled in by parents which – if taken at face value – indicates that one in ten children can conceive a scenario where they might possibly be damaged by online sex, the scourge of internet pornography has been blamed in the sorry case of a defiled Elf on the Shelf.
The surreptitious love child of a young Theresa May and Vladimir Putin, conceptualised and delivered in the computerised laboratories of the NSA, The Elf on the Shelf: A Christmas Tradition is the name of the picture book and accompanying toy ostensibly written by Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell in 2004.
Published the following year with illustrations credited to Coë Steinwart, it offers a surveillance state fantasy in the guise of a children’s tale, describing how elves travel back and forth from the North Pole. Their job is to act as spies on behalf of Santa Claus, relating the misdeeds of youngsters so that the naughty can be stricken from his present list.
The idea is for parents to place the perverse looking elf every morning at a new location in the home. Warning against disobedience, the titular elf advises children, ‘There’s only one rule that you have to follow, so I will come back and be here tomorrow: Please do not touch me. My magic might go, and Santa won’t hear all I’ve seen or I know’.
Alas in one city in the west of the country, only recently penetrated by the quick shipping prowess of Amazon Prime, an Elf on the Shelf barely lasted a day before he found himself rudely fiddled with, leaving parents, local media, and city administrators in a state of dismay.
The Elf on the Shelf – his eyes still watching – had suffered the indignity of having his trousers removed. Felt tip pens mimicked the dubious art of tattooing, while the elf’s upper torso was smeared with poo. Pencil marks about the mouth suggested attempts at forced entry, and his upturned white collar reminded some of a noose.
The identity of the guilty child has not been made public, although Santa is reportedly seeking some form of redress. And despite the best efforts of concerned observers, the online video which might have inspired such lewd acts has proved tantalisingly difficult to locate. So a blue Christmas for one household – but for all the wrong reasons, and in the absence of a violated elf.
