Goodness aren’t takeaways these days expensive! Time was that a takeaway meant nothing but battered balls full of some indistinguishable pork or other meat, a plastic bag bursting with prawn crackers, curry, poppadoms, and mango chutney, or else a pizza smothered in slices of pepperoni and cheese, which was usually pre-grated cheddar. Now thanks to newfangled high-end delivery services like Deliveroo, UberEATS, or exclusive to the United States the suggestively named TryCaviar, the press of a few buttons can bring you all the best in food trucks and fine dining. The fancy five-star modern takeaway always comes with the suspicion of smaller portions, but space seems to function differently when foodstuffs are laid out on a plate.
And my aren’t takeaways unhealthy! Whether it’s an old-school grease box in which dripping food is rudely stuffed, or a logoed or monogrammed package teetering with discrete containers, the contents of your takeaway are sure to be more than a little calorific. Elegant restaurants perhaps even more than lesser establishments well understand the taste value of a tubful of rich cream. But to prevent the dual strains of a thin wallet and fat stomach, here are The Shimmering Ostrich’s six steps towards kicking the takeaway habit for good.
Do Like the Chefs and Take Some Simple Shortcuts
To create fine dining from the comfort of your own kitchen, you need neither an abundance of ingredients nor an excess of time. For tangy oriental dishes try tossing a few litres of orange juice into your pan of sliced meat. Coriander on top of anything is pretty good if you want a refined colour palette and a peculiar taste. Wine added to a dish allows you to call it a ‘coq’ or whatever else ‘au vin’. And if you happen to forget to turn on the oven you can always suggest that your food has been ‘slow cooked’.
Order Takeaway Once a Week and Add One Portion to Each Meal
If you have to order takeaway for the sheer experience, better to order once than seven times a week. You can regale your friends on a daily basis if on a Monday you eat hoisin duck buns with your reheated spaghetti, on Tuesday ham sandwiches with some egg-fried rice, on Wednesday instant noodles accompanied by deep-fried crab claws, and on Thursday dung bo pork belly with a packet of crisps. Surely by now you get the picture, so continue this on for the rest of the week.
Call to Place Your Order and Mimic the Ethnicity of the Restaurant
Instead of resorting to your laptop or smartphone, partake in at least a modicum of social interaction and give your chosen takeaway venue a call. But this time mimic the ostensible ethnicity of the proprietors, whether they be Chinese or Indian, Thai, Italian, or from the Deep South. Even if you get your order the one time, repeat the trick and it might not come again.
Insult the Delivery Person in Whatever Which Way
A failure to tip isn’t the only way to insult a takeaway delivery driver. Belittle their car or bicycle, snatch the package right out of their hands, or construct a sort of cat-flap positioned around the sternum with affrontingly clear signs over your door telling the delivery person what to do.
Pour Your Takeaway Under Cold Water
So you’ve given in to temptation and your debit card is all spent, and you stand there salivating in front of a brown paper parcel containing a preponderance of side dishes and at least a couple of mains. The sickly sweet aroma of takeaway wafts through the apartment. And perhaps you’ve even opened the parcel up and taken a look at all the tasty treats. But before you commence eating, why not put the whole lot under a cold tap? Wasted money thanks to a ruined dinner will make for an irritable evening, of the sort you won’t soon forget. Make sure the water is cold though, so you can’t pretend that you’re somehow rejuvenating your takeaway or simply heating it up.
Let Your Takeaway Be Licked by the Dog
In a similar vein, nobody wants to eat or even think about takeaway after their expensive dinner has been roundly licked by the lascivious tongue of a smelly old dog. Whatever you do, don’t feed the animal with the spoiled supper, because the last thing you need is your pet also developing lofty tastes.
