Aries (20 March – 19 April)
Walking clockwise around the garden on your lunch break will do untold wonders for your health. You won’t have to ask: somehow you’ll know which garden.
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Taurus (19 April – 20 May)
A change of routine can be a good thing, but as you and your family embark on that unexpected cruise, don’t throw the baby into the saltwater.
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Gemini (20 May – 20 June)
Cupid’s arrow has cleft you in twain too often, so this time as he pulls back on the bow, be prepared to catch it.
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Cancer (20 June – 22 July)
You wouldn’t knead dough with a meat tenderiser, nor massage your lover with a lead pipe, so why do you use such blunt instruments when it comes to your own wellbeing?
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Leo (22 July – 22 August)
Nerium oleander, oenanthe crocata, dismiss them with a queasy grin, now you know their leaves are poisonous.
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Virgo (22 August – 22 September)
Chillier weather allows you to layer up, yet still you feel a prick on your conscience.
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Libra (22 September – 22 October)
Binge on another episode of that series you’ve been watching. You have the time, the takeaway shop left your naan in the oven.
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Scorpio (22 October – 21 November)
A notorious hand on your innermost thigh isn’t always cause for revulsion.
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Sagittarius (21 November – 21 December)
The dwarf planet Pluto whispers sweet nothings in your ear, eulogising your business sense, tattletaling on a former lover. Buy a dilapidated barn and fill it with aromatherapy products, but don’t forget where you keep the spare key.
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Capricorn (21 December – 19 January)
Nobody knows when the summer’s really over anymore. Thank global warming even as you strive to combat its deleterious effects, and don’t be afraid to bask a little.
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Aquarius (19 January – 19 February)
Urgently reorganise your workspace. Switch the pen pot to the left hand side, and introduce a cactus.
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Pisces (19 February – 20 March)
Reach for the stars this month. You won’t reach them, but you might just come away clutching a juicy red apple.
