Fruity Muzzles Make Gun Suicide More Appetising

Whether it is copycatism – as people seek to mimic what they’ve seen across 24-hour news streams or bask briefly in the glamorous afterglow of Hollywood cinema – or some strange muscle reflex or intuition, the most popular way to shoot oneself is by pointing the gun firmly into the roof of the mouth before shakily pulling the trigger.

Ironically however the result often proves too much of a dull sensation: at the end of the day and even for those on the verge of the afterlife, rifle barrels are just too metallic. Even the depressed with their diminished senses desire something they can wrap their tongues around, some semblance of flavour.

That’s why – after years of advocacy and development generously funded by the National Rifle Association – Sturm Ruger, Remington Outdoor, Sig Sauer, Marlin Firearms, Glock, and Smith & Wesson are ready to proudly unveil a range of rifles and pistols with fruity muzzles.

Coming in strawberry, cherry, soda pop, lime, and watermelon, the new weapons will be released just in time to decisively quench the thirst of the summer. The opportunities for new flavours and branding deals appear to be endless. Suicide of course remains a serious matter. But in a world where commercial impulses can hardly be sated, death when it does arrive can at least afford to be tasty.

Tags from the story
, , ,