Horoscopes

Monthly Horoscopes: July 2017

Aries (20 March – 19 April) Mars is opposing Pluto, and shit is about to go down. And so it does, and as is the way among the planets, another planetary aspect occurs and you find your sweet release. * * * Taurus (19 April – 20 May) The second Monday might be okay, but the third Thursday of the…

Monthly Horoscopes: June 2017

Aries (20 March – 19 April) More and more every day your partner is acting like an infant, and you wish to practise the art of swaddling, only wrapping up extra tight. * * * Taurus (19 April – 20 May) Mmm, Belgian pralines, île flottante, how utterly delicious, those macarons might be sheer divinity, but you’re at a time in your life…

Monthly Horoscopes: May 2017

Aries (20 March – 19 April) The conjunction of Mercury with Uranus seems to bear ramifications for your weekly grocery shop. * * * Taurus (19 April – 20 May) Last month you didn’t even know about curlicues, but this month with a pen in your hand curlicues keep cropping up. *** Gemini (20 May – 20 June) All your…

Monthly Horoscopes: April 2017

Aries (20 March – 19 April) A discovered penny marginally improves your finances. * * * Taurus (19 April – 20 May) Blah, blah, blah, something about Mercury is making you awful verbose. *** Gemini (20 May – 20 June) Too much sugar is filling your dreams full of marshmallows, where you bounce and tumble about and get very little done….

Monthly Horoscopes: March 2017

Aries (20 March – 19 April) With a newfound swagger in your step, a fringed haircut bobbing lightly across your forehead, and that far-off fragrance in the air which somehow takes you right back to childhood while reminding you in rapturous moments of freshly cut daisies, truly it seems like spring has sprung. But it hasn’t, and for once in…

Monthly Horoscopes: February 2017

Aries (20 March – 19 April) After the dismays and disappointments of 2016, the first weeks of 2017 have seen your love life finally hotting up. But your home is another thing which appears to be burning, and as your newfound partner scrambles out of the bedroom window without underwear, will the cool exterior serve to fan the flames or…

Monthly Horoscopes: January 2017

Aries (20 March – 19 April) New year, new you. Excommunicate your family and set aside old friends, because isn’t it about time you had some fun? * * * Taurus (19 April – 20 May) What the devil is up with your pallid complexion? Can a vitamin deficiency owe anything to the pattern of the stars? *** Gemini (20…

Monthly Horoscopes: December 2016

Aries (20 March – 19 April) Did you know that the wise men of the New Testament were probably astrologers? You might not find an infant in a manger wrapped in swaddling, but if you follow your personal star this month, in a grubby shack after the office party unto you a child will be born. * * * Taurus…

Monthly Horoscopes: November 2016

Aries (20 March – 19 April) He calls you his love and his darling, but do you still hunger for his touch? * * * Taurus (19 April – 20 May) Milk of Magnesia might go by other brand names abroad, a useful tip as you embark on exciting travels this month. *** Gemini (20 May – 20 June) Parlay…

Monthly Horoscopes: October 2016

Aries (20 March – 19 April) ‘Excalibur my sword’ you proclaim heraldically, but your nobility falters when you can’t remember whether you’re supposed to pull it out or shove it in. * * * Taurus (19 April – 20 May) A plummy lip might win you distant admirers, but if you want to meet the one of your dreams better…